Tag Archives: infertility

IFers who cross over

I’m feeling hammered and beaten down by pregnancy announcements on FB, or finding out an acquaintance is a few weeks away from their due date.

Even announcements on IF blogs are giving me the peeves.

Am I happy for someone who has been through IF to finally get their dream come true?  Yes

Am I angry at myself for being broken?  Yes

Brew Man hates it when I call myself broken.  But I am.  There is nothing wrong with his swimmers – they’re apparently in the top percentiles for quality.  Instead, there’s something wrong with my oven – and no body knows what the problem is so it can’t be fixed. 

I fall into the “unknown” category.

And you know what – now that I’ve written that – having an “unknown cause” diagnosis is what is really giving me the shits.  I’m not annoyed that there’s something wrong – I’m annoyed that I don’t know what’s wrong.

Anyways – back to blogs – does anyone continue to follow an IF blog once that person gets their BFP?  I thought I could do it – but … I can’t. 

Same reason why I hide people I know are PG on FB – I really don’t want to read about how terrible morning sickness is or how big their cankles are.  Why depress myself?

Does un-following someone who gets their BFP make me a terrible person?

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Choose the sex of your baby for $11,000

An article today in the Sydney Morning Herald discusses a well known IVF clinic in Oz (Sydney IVF) who will help couples circumvent Australian law that prevents sex-selection for non-medical reasons by sending them to an IVF clinic they partly own in Thailand.  At this clinic, embryos are tested to find the sex of your choice to be implanted.

The government won’t legislate to stop people from travelling overseas for the procedure (and so they shouldn’t – people should be allowed choice).  However, in my state of NSW, a law has been enacted making it a criminal offence to travel overseas to engage a paid surrogate.  There seems to be some inequality in treatment!!

Anyways – that issue is a side note, this quote floored me though

The medical director at Sydney IVF, Mark Bowman, said the sense of ”loss and grief” felt by couples who could not conceive a child of the gender they desired was as strong as that felt by infertile couples.

Huh?!?  A couple that already has children in their lives, all of the one sex, feel the devasation, despair, depression and emptiness that infertile couples feel? 

A couple that already has had a baby (or babies) to cuddle, watched first steps, first words, first day at school, first time they go to the toilet on their own – feels the same emptiness as an infertile couple who watches with envy and jealousy as their friends cuddle newborns, see first steps, first words, first days?

I have first hand experience with this – good friends of ours have 3 boys and were hoping for a girl for their next.  She’s having another boy – we chatted and she said that she had a good cry at not having a girl – but felt thankful her son looked healthy in the womb. 

Now – she may not be like everyone – but surely missing a child of one gender in your family cannot be as painful as missing a child entirely in your life.

I’ll be writing a letter to Dr Bowman via his clinic – I wonder if he’ll read it?!

Handling the next 7 months

My next door neighbour is 10 weeks pregnant and goes for her first OB appointment tomorrow.  She has been one of my “lucky fertility book” recipients.

They announced to us and another couple at 5 weeks, they’ve told their folks but not a lot of other people – no FB announcement just yet!

Usually with FB I simply hide somone from my newsfeed.  At work I avoid people and communicate via the phone or email.  But how do I handle someone I see almost daily?  They helped us landscape our front yard, we’ve helped them with theirs.  Most weekends our neighbours some how meet up on someone’s front lawn for a chat about happenings in our area.

Right now I’m feeling ok.  There’s no bump to actively remind me.  But what do I do when there IS a bump? 

Could I turn around and walk the other way each time we run into each other?  Not sure that’s feasible – I don’t want to be rude.  Maybe just look to the side of her?

Any suggestions on dealing with someone else’s pregnancy every day?

(I feel disgusted by a tiny part of me that hopes for a blighted ovum – ugh I hate myself for being jealous)

It’s CD 6

Readers might know that I have a fairly sucky uterus – the lining seems to measure thick enough on an internal u/s – but my period flow is low.

Like I might be lucky to fill 3 sanitary pads over the first 2 days and then I just spot old blood (TMI I know – I just don’t feel like filtering today) for 4-5 days.

I’m pretty sure that’s not normal – I remember going through 3 pads a day from when I was 15 through till my early 20s when I moved onto the contraceptive rod (that was a mistake!) and then the pill. 

But for the last 3 yrs it’s been pretty crap.

I was completely surprised when yesterday (CD5) I actually had fresh blood!  Not a lot – just enough to fill a panty liner – but seriously?!? 

Let me see what I did last cycle – uh, I drank, ate lots of unhealthy things (tiramisu, heaps of pizza, fried chicken, ice cream, soft drink) – and barely had any sex (twice).  I’ve been super stressed out about my PhD thesis and work and family and infertility.

I’ve got 2 options – it’s a freak occurrence and I shouldn’t get my hopes up; or it could be a sign things are staring to turn the corner.

In any case – I’m trying to NOT dwell on it and focus on what lies ahead.

Tonight is the full moon and a few friends in an IF support group are going to do a nudie run in our own backyards – hopefully soaking up some of the magic of the moon 🙂  

It will be a bit tricky as my backyard doesn’t have high fences – just a low 1.2m (4 ft) pool fence – but I’m determined (and hopefully no one decides late at night to walk on the public path that goes around my backyard).

I shall report back tomorrow with hopefully an unadventurous and plain old boring, neighbourless story!

Am I happy for them or just numb?

On the weekend, our lovely neighbours M&S announced their pregnancy after trying for a few months and borrowing my lucky conception books.

As soon as they announced – I’m fairly sure that my first reaction was something negative – sadness, anger, disappointment – all directed towards me and my stupid reproductive system – and jealousy (of course – they’ve got what we want damn it!)

I’ve been through 12 announcements in 3 years – we don’t have a wide circle of friends or colleagues – and the reaction is always the same.  Though I think over the years I’ve managed to stifle that negative reaction down to a split second.  During the early days I’d usually leave the room and bawl my eyes out.

I think after that – my reaction is happiness – I’m not so sure whether I am actually happy or just so numb from it all and fake-happy.

I don’t even know how you tell the difference.

What’s your first reaction when you get the “great news” from friends?

My lucky fertility books strike again (just not me)

Two years ago when I was receiving treatment at The Jocelyn Centre in Sydney I picked up 2 books – Natural Fertility and The Natural Way to Better Babies – both by Francesca Naish

The books are fantastic – lots of diet, supplement, cycle, mucous, mens fertility information and advice.  Best conception and pre-conception books I’ve read.

I’ve lent the books to 2 friends looking to fall pregnant as pre-readers before they began TTC.  One is Brew Man’s cousin B and her hubby D – she is severely obese and he’s been through testicular cancer and had a testicle removed.  They borrowed the books back in 2009.  The other is our lovely new neighbours M & S – both relatively young (early 30s) and healthy.

Each time I’ve lent out the books – within 3 cycles of borrowing them, a pregnancy has been announced.  B&D had a healthy little girl last year – extremely cute and very smart!

The latest was today at a casual BBQ hosted by M&S for us and another young couple in our new housing estate.  It’s only early days yet (5 weeks) but they are so excited and a little bit scared of what is to come. 

The next in line for the books is a best friend from high school who is on her honeymoon right now.  I’ve told her that couples who borrow the books fall pregnant very easily and quickly – she told me to hang on to them for a year before I give them to her!  She’s never lived with her new hubby, so they’d like their first year to be the two of them before she goes off BC and takes possession of the lucky books.

Now – I’m happy that the books work and they seem to have some magical mystical powers – but why can’t they work on Brew Man and I?  Could I be giving all my fertility luck away when I lend out these books? 

Hopefully the universe/karma/the divine goddess of fertility can see all the help I give others in making their baby dreams come true and decides to pay some of it back in this lifetime 🙂

Oh – and if anyone wants to borrow my lucky books and is in Oz, let me know 😉

What a cycle

I’m almost at the end of another cycle and it’s certainly been an unusual one. 

I’ve had:

  • late ovulation
  • lack of significant temperature rise
  • erratic temps
  • urinary tract infection just after O
  • the UTI also meant I couldn’t take any chinese herbs

So here’s what my crazy chart looks like – usually my post-O temps are up around 36.8-.9 but I’m not even close.

BBT chart - December 2010

I don’t set the expectations bar too high any more.

I do have one really strange symptom – very tender and sore nipples for the last 3 days – very bizzare as it’s not a PMS symptom (I don’t get many of those – just a little tired and crampy just before AF turns up).

Hope everyone out there is having better luck.  I have a feeling the 12 hr reading/writing/editing thesis days are draining me.  Any tips on how to get more energy?