Tag Archives: emotions


At the beginning of the week, Brew Man told me that.  I was feeling a bit down after some PG announcements on FB and he asked me what was up.  I was honest and told him that seeing those announcements makes me feel like a failure.

So, in the very grumpy mood he was in, he said “get over it”

Now – for a fact I know Brew Man is desperate to be a dad.  I know he wishes we’d started trying earlier (I wanted to wait).  I know most of the time he doesn’t know how to treat me when it comes to IF – and honestly, it’s a 50/50 as to whether I break down and cry or I bite his head off!

Anyways – I shrugged off his words at the time.  But yesterday, it got me thinking.  What don’t I do because of IF?  What crazy irrational things that don’t make sense?

One of them is that I don’t watch How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) since the story line moved to Lilly & Marshall trying for a baby.  I don’t really need to watch comedy about how hard (or easy) it is to get pregnant.  But I miss the crazy antics of Barney – so last night, I watched.  It wasn’t too bad, and no TTC related stuff was mentioned.  Brew Man asked why we were watching the show and I told him that it was driven by his suggestion of “get over it”.  He looked pretty ashamed that I had taken his words to heart and apologised – but maybe it was a pearl of wisdom.

Of course, during the ad breaks, plenty of baby ads were on – and I watched them.

Of course I had tears rolling down my cheeks for a few.

I came out of the 2 eps feeling like a battle hardened warrior.  You see shit you don’t like, shit you can’t change – so you watch it with a hardened gaze and build a wall.

Sometimes the best way to protect yourself is to remove yourself from the situation – but maybe it’s time I started on my wall.


How are you?

“How are you?” 

A simple question that gets asked every day.  I was reading the paper (online) this morning and found this blog post by Prue Corlette about IVF and depression.  We’ve only done 1 IVF cycle with 1 unsuccessful transfer – and for some reason, the BFN we received was more devastating than any natural cycle failure.

It got me thinking about the question people ask every day – “How are you?”.  Mine and Brew Man’s immediate families (parents, siblings) know we’ve had a loss (though we didn’t tell them until 6 months after), failed IVF and various other fertility treatments. 

Every time we see Brew Man’s family – his sister, SIL and mum ask me “How are you?” or “How are your fertility treatments going?” with a funny look in their eyes.  I’m not sure if it’s pity or empathy. 

Do they really want to know how I feel?  Do they really want to know that sometimes being around my brand new nephew makes my heart break even though I love him endlessly?  Do they really want to know that I make excuses relating to helping with the food or setting up something when they start talking about the different things that babies/kids do or say?  Do they really want to know that I just want to punch them in the face when they say “just relax and it will happen”? 

I’m not a boat rocker – so I say, “I’m fine” – and feel lucky that I have a small community of IFers on a forum I frequent, this blog, and my journal as my support.  (I never knew the power of writing a journal – my psychologist knows what she’s talking about!)

So thankyou to all those who have replied on the blog or who are reading – especially to the lovely Miss Ruby (who when I drop her an email asking how she’s going, always asks how I am).   

How are you today?  I’d love to know 🙂